Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
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Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?