one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
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But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
good work, everybody
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
good for her
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.