I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
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Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
If only.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?