The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
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Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.