To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
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I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Welcome to the stomach
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
this isn’t threatening at all
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again