Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
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*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
I came this close!!!!
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?