Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
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Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125