I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
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Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Not all heroes wear capes….
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Straight people are cancelled
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.