My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
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Bruh PLEASE
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
So that’s what we looked like?
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?