*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
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Me as a therapist: omg same
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
There are no pants in heaven.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna