Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
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Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Can’t stop laughing
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day