This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
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Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
stand with me against insufficient seating
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
same energy
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.