The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
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I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.