When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
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A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy