(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
You Might Also Like
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Just how popey was the pope today?
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*