You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
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Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
how to market bottled water to dads
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica