You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
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Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Never ghost your hitman.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.