Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
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[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Best mom ever 😂
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.