You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
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it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
*performs CPR on the turkey*
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.