Fat chances are my favorite chances
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Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.