9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
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Self-cleaning conscience
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.