I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
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[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Inside you there are two wolves
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.