a wizard dating app called bumbledore
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Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame