Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
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He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much