Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
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[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.