*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
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I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End