Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
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About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.