TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
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My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son