My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
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“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
For the ones in the back.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
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