Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
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me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
love it when they get my name right
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell