Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
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Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
repaired
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
The honesty is refreshing
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Planet of the Apps.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Simple enough.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.