Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
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When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.