Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
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“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”