Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
You Might Also Like
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
wow he looks just like him
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.