Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
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BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
My boss called in sick of me
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters