I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
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[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.