My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
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me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
There are no pants in heaven.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes