I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
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Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?