Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
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Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Same post same
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”