Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
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Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”