“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
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[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”