Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
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[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Facebook marketplace is a different world
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
men, we mow at sunrise.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.