That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
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Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
pep talk
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…