Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
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A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Alexa; make it look like an accident
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.