If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
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[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
My first son he is wonderful
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
This is the best one I’ve seen
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.