Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
You Might Also Like
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.