Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
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*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.