To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
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[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?