How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
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(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
fr
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
bias laundering edition
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence