the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
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Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking